I don’t believe that Basic Bitch is a disparaging term, I think it is a small flame that burns within each of us and occasionally rises up to consume us whole when we are confronted with a clearance sale on floating candles or First Wives Club comes on TV when we are due to be somewhere in 30 minutes. We shouldn’t Basic Bitch-Shame, we should Basic Bitch-Celebrate. Let me start with a few of my favorite BB activities (that I know you love, too.)
1. Discussing which Sex and the City character you are, and secretly resenting whichever girl gets labeled as the Charlotte. (I’M SORRY MY HAIR ISN’T SHINY ENOUGH, OKAY??)
2. Having said SATC discussion while seated at a bar drinking colorful martinis.
3. Purchasing scented candles and littering your house with them, even though several of them are completely conflicting scents and now your whole apartment smells like someone spilled a fresh-baked raspberry pie on top of a pile of clean laundry.
4. Making arts and crafts you saw on Pinterest/Tumblr and having them fail miserably, then disposing of the evidence.
5. Getting manicures with your girls and all getting the single glitter nail, in various colors. (Society can pry the single glitter nail from my cold, dead hands — no pun intended! — by the way. I don’t care how dumb it is.)
6. Taking a picture of all your hands put together post-manicure and regramming it from one another.
7. Saying “Oh my god, yes, this is my songgg!!!” whenever a song marketed to a demographic ten years your junior comes on.
8. Knowing (and performing all the lyrics to on command) the song “Glamorous” by Fergie. Bonus points if you zestily imitate Ludacris’ “caviar dre-E-eams.”
9. Making someone re-take a group picture upwards of five times because you don’t look perfect in it.
10. Going on a month-long “cleanse” with one or more of your friends that ends up lasting a total of three days.
11. Referring to things such as taking a bath or eating a pizza as “self-care.”
12. Watching endless YouTube beauty tutorials made by really pretty girls with seemingly endless disposable income, and then getting irrationally angry that your life is not theirs.
13. Wearing heels out to the club/bar that you know full well you are not going to last more than two hours in, and carrying them home as you either walk barefoot on city sidewalks or piggy back on one of the guys in the group.
14. Talking about nail polish. (I would spend most of my working days discussing nail polish if I could. For the record, Essie lasts the longest without chipping, Chanel has the best colors, OPI has the most diverse glitter options.)
15. Going to Las Vegas with the express intent of drinking as many novelty-sized margaritas and grinding on as many shirtless dudes as possible.
16. Attempting veganism for a full 12 hours.
17. Hosting ironic “basic bitch parties” where you drink fruity drinks and watch cornball TV shows and eat mini cupcakes, except they’re not “ironic” at all because you love every minute of them.
18. Listening to Jason Derulo. (Full disclosure: I’m listening to “Ridin’ Solo” as we speak, and next I will be listening to “Talk Dirty,” and you can’t clip my wings in the least.)
19. Owning a Bebe bandage dress, and spending the whole night alternating between “feeling sexy as hell” and “awkwardly pulling it down your thighs because it keeps riding up.”
20. Liberally applying the Burt’s Bees/Carmex until your lips can be seen from across a crowded room.
21. Posting pictures of your girlfriends from 2000-2003 where you’re all wearing braids/white girl cornrows, butterfly clips, and pocketless jeans.
22. Listening to “Timber” on repeat until your ears start bleeding.
23. Meditating in attempt to find some kind of inner quiet, but then completely defeating the purpose by posting on social media about how much you love meditating and waiting for the likes to roll in.